Today it’s Self-injury Awareness Day (SIAD), and the other day it was Eating Disorder Awareness Day, and I guess that’s why my mind has been occupied with old, familiar thoughts again this week. I’m sorry for rambling, I guess this post is mostly a letter to myself: I am aware of all of you who are hurting in any way. I am aware of you who are opening your skin just to release the pain, trying to get that ghost out of your body. I am aware of you who are holding on to your eating disorder with all your power, because as long as you have that ghost, that voice, your ED, you still have yourself. I am aware of you who are glancing over that rail on the bridge every time you pass it. I am aware of how it feels like this ghost has got you in it’s grip, and people tell you to fight it, but they don’t understand. The second you gave in for the voice the first time, you sold your soul to the devil and now it’s controlling you, and there’s nothing you can do. I am aware of how you know this is killing you, but at the same time it’s what’s saving you every single day. This is your safety, but at the same time your biggest fear. I know how you want to hold on to it. I still had my self-injury/eating disorder/whatever demon you have in your head, therefor I still had myself. It’s called awareness week, and the saddest thing I know is how so many people are ignoring this because it’s uncomfortable to talk about. Blaming these ghosts on ’moody teenagers’, ’attention-seeking’ or other lame excuses to not have to face it. People shift their weight when someone mentions self-injury, they avert their eyes and uncomfortable they stumble away. Because that’s the problem. There’s not a lot of things other people can do to help you anyway, and therefor they choose to close their eyes. That way they can sleep at night, while you’re sitting shaking in a corner because of the adrenaline from starving, or cutting, or taking pills together with a bottle of vodka hoping to end this. I guess the only thing I need you to know is that life is worth fighting for. Trust me. I promise you, one day you will look back at these years and thank yourself for staying strong and for not giving up. You will find something you love so much, that it becomes more important than taking care of these demons, and it will slowly fade. It’s not going to happen over a night. Or a week. Or maybe even a year. And there is no magic cure that suddenly will make everything go away. But that’s the point. You - you who know what I’m talking about - you have a story, scars, an awareness of your existence and your surroundings in a way that other people never will have, and you will use this to build your strength. You will use this to become something more than ordinary, because you’re not ordinary - you’re a survivor. You have survived something that grew within you head, within your heart. One day, you will be able to say; If I could survive that, I can survive anything, and I have nothing left to fear. So I’m asking you, please stay around, because that day is worth everything. I’ve been there, and now I’m thanking my life for throwing me all these years of horrible fucking darkness and ghosts, because without them I wouldn’t be able to stand here, fearless and aware. Sometimes people ask me how I have the guts to just go out there and chase my dream, all on my own. Well, because I survived. I found a way. If I survived that, I can survive anything.
And know that you’re never alone, in anything. I’m here and I’ve got your back no matter what. If you ever wanna write to me, I’m always here. <3
